Small breakdown behind me, I don’t want to dwell too much on it, but a brief mention might be necessary. Overwhelmed to the point of breaking coupled with what I can only hope is a brief period of extraordinary stress, I knew I’d reached the point where pretending I didn’t need medication no longer fit in the ol’ “this makes sense” box no matter how I tried to shoehorn it in there.
I went off the happy pills cold turkey when pregnancy was confirmed and that was 18 months ago. It’s time to bring the happy back. Past time. When I started spouting such gems as ” I don’t want to have to be medicated to be OK with this crap-tastic life” and “I wish these weeks would go by faster because I HATE the holidays (when in fact I am a mushy pile of IN LOVE with the holidays)” and who could forget (certainly not T) ” You don’t care about me AT ALL. You care about everything else above me, always.” And so on, using words far nastier than “crap-tastic” and graphic imagery, unfortunately. Some of those things that you should NEVER say out loud were spewing out with ferocious velocity, so, I dragged my ass to the doctor and asked her to please help me stop making things worse. Because they’re pretty f-ing bad all on their own, no extra crazy needs to be added to the pot, we’re Chock full, thank you very much. She asked when the last time I slept for more than two hours at a time was. I couldn’t remember. She thinks this is adding more to the anxiety than anything else. Heh. I’m not a big sharer at the doctor’s office, so we’ll go with that.
Consequently, when I got home, I moved (crying and carrying on, me of course) the baby out of our bedroom. His crib is now in his room and I am even more depressed than I was before I went in for obviously crap advice. I did not have a baby just to banish him to another room, far away from me, far away from the comfort that he knows, and I need, and oh my god I am a pathetic mess. Time to wrap it up.
Let’s just say the first night was rough on both of us. By the 2nd nap today he was just fine with going down in his own room. Tonight he gave a few minutes of half-cries before settling down. I should be overjoyed that he transitioned this well, but all I can think is that this is so easy because he’s not that attached to me in the first place and doesn’t love me enough to notice I’m not there. Wow. You see? Meds were definitely necessary.